WHY did I separate Grendel and his brother? ‘Cause I was scared, scared of taking on too much. Dammit, my fear killed them both. They probably could have survived the FIV, together. But, no, I was afraid of taking on too much, so I left 1 behind, and, in so doing, killed them both, chop, chop. I HATE the man I’VE BECOME; RULED by fear , and repeatedly castrating myself with the dull blade of indecision. Days from now, I leave with Butch for A WEEK IN L.A. A chance to remember what it’s like to have friends. A chance to say, good-bye. Grendel’s death was just the capper; I’m so fucking tired of Butch negating all my hard o.t. work solely because it’s inconvenient for him to have me do my own shopping and stuff; I keep waiting, and have even discussed my concerns over Butch’s meddling actively undoing my hard work at Moss, with her, but nothing ever happens, good; no one fucking cares. I shouldn’t have to fight so hard to get people I pay to right by me. It’ll be a quick trip, maybe mor...
a blog that is also meant to serve as a recovery journal, for this gay, Quaker, writer dealing with t.b.i., from surviving a hate crime in Sligo, Ireland, on 1.31.99.