Rob-world

She needs me.  She’s an older cat, I think, at least 4, maybe 5.  She has a sensitive tummy, so needs special soft food from Science Diet. But she needs me, and I need to be needed, apparently.  My suicidal impulses are nil lately, because to kill myself would mean to  kill  her, and I won’t do that.

You/I always get way behind on them.  Try to do them anyway, then fail doing them,    tHEN, WE/I GET DEPRESSED by  our/my failure. Not  good.

tESTING 1-2-3

I rang it in with Bill & Kevin at the Bike Stop.  Had a small bottle  of Veuve Clicquot with Jaime at home.

I talked with a new-ish member of Meeting today, who had just got back from visiting Dublin, where she went to Eustace Street Meeting, my old Meeting in Dublin, and when she said she was visiting from Philadelphia, ARCH STREET Meeting, Thomas Querany  came up to her and said, among other things that what happened to me really served to galvanize the Irish gay community to demand equality and fair, not special, treatment from Irish society and law. Which they now enjoy, in full. I burst into happy tears.  To think that my assault and recovery helped; had a purpose and did some good,makes. It all so much more palatable, and meaningful to  me.

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She’s the only one.  So often, she’s my only reason for living.  I watched Rent last night; the author, Jonathan Larsen, died the last day of rehearsal; but he left something behind something so worthwhile. I don’t write anymore; and I’m happy to take the lion’s share of responsibility for that, but there’s still enough blame to  go around.  I am distracted  by financial uncertainties;  I NEVER know how much I have or where it is, much less how to access it.   So, I’m denied life extending swimming/cardio therapy, and have  been, for over a decade now.  Every day, I’m so miserable that the thought of suicide is an hourly event. Jaime keeps pulling me back from that edge, every hour on the hour.  I don’t write anymore,   haven’t for a while.  No one cares.  No one misses my unborn creations. I don’t know about my decade-plus misery.  Right now, I’m praying that, when Jaime goes , God will take me too.