Rob-world

Not because I was too tired,   But because I didn’t want to go.  And I had a fun St. Paddy’s Day. Lunch with Marylu planned for after.  But, I was so fucking down,  I really do suffer from near constant depression.  It inhibits every aspect of my life.  Jaime, my love and responsibility for her, keeps me from pulling a header.  But, that’s why I got her. Seriously, that’s all.   But, that’s why I haven’t written anything publishable in months/years.  Right now,  I have no life, outside this apt. A few crumbs here and there, but nothing substantial. Makes sense, really.  No input, no output. I’m desperately waiting for medical marijuana here; my memories of pot, is it acting like a giant lint brush to my mind, clearing out all the crap. My life is so hemmed in. By my lack of mobility, and the abject poverty I still keep myself in.  What. the fuck am I SAVING MY MONEY FOR?

I fell tonight, going to the transfer pole to pull my pants up after taking a shit.   I would’ve called  Butch,  but he’s in/at a poker  tournament  in Rehoboth this evening.  The cool thing for me is, I knew he would’ve just called the cops anyway, so I called them by just tapping the “POLICE button on my watch; bing, bang, boom, Bob’s your uncle. They were here and I was back in my ‘’chair in no time. As I recover, and come back more  & more back into my own, Butch’s job seems to need re-definition at least.

When I adopted Jaime,  they told me she was an older cat, and asked if I knew what that meant.  I said, yes,  so her incontinence and everything, I signed up for this, She deserved a nice sunset; every living thing does.  Besides, I’d just been through love and loss with Grendel, so very recently then, so my pump/heart was all primed  to handle it. Death, I mean.  So,  her recent vet trips,  her cost/maintenance, it’s all on me.  I  need to find out how much Scott has spent on her, to date, and pay him back.’Cause this is MY fault.  I don’t regret a minute of it, though.  She’s helped me so much, and loved me so well. And helped me get through some REALLY rough times.  A lot of times, when I wanted to kill myself, I climbed down off that ledge solely or at least primarily because she needed me.  To live. No one else NEEDS me.  Oh, they want me around because they  like, even (agape) love me, but NEED me? ...