Rob-world

Jamie is the only thing keeping me alive.  I look forward to suicide ALL the fucking time.  Our, more accurately, the peace of death.  No more life half-lived, no more sky-high loneliness,  no more yearning for a literary career that will never, ever happen; it’s a still-birth from ’99.  No love in my life; limited friendships; I’m too depressed to write/or fuck.  Last night, I fooled around with a terribly handsome FTM, who is here attending a seminar/workshop hosted at 4th and Arch.  I was lousy, eschewing earlier requested  intimacy in favor of. a clumsy pursuit of orgasm.  Which, thank to my ineptnesss, neither of us realized.   He was so handsome, a chance for genuine intimacy, that I sent to my ill-mannered Hell.  AS WE’VE LEARNED WELL; I am able to forgive anyone except myself.

I just started iTunes on m my Mac, and the song that came on was Barry Manilow’s ALL THE TIME, his song about feeling alone and different but getting by, a song that saved my life, I’m not exaggerating, thousands of times, as I grew up, feeling alone. And ostracized.  And gay.  All my life, I’ve been dismissed by others, either because of being gay, my penchant for the different:  the theatrical or, later,  the mannered.  I’ve always conceived of myself as being different, slightly off-kilter, a genius waiting to be discovered, and embraced by society; an embrace that only comes, decades after your lonely, unremarkable life and death.

I just started iTunes on m my Mac, and the song that came on was Barry Manilow’s ALL THE TIME, his song about feeling alone and different but getting by, a song that saved my life, I’m not exaggerating, thousands of times, as I grew up, feeling alone. And ostracized.  And gay.  All my life, I’ve been dismissed by others, either because of being gay, my penchant for the different:  the theatrical or, later,  the mannered.  I’ve always conceived of myself as being different, slightly off-kilter, a genius waiting to be discovered, and embraced by society; an embrace that only comes, decades after your lonely, unremarkable life and death.