I got Jaime at first because I was her last hope, which gave/gives me a sense of purpose. I FEEL like the Trust looks toward/reserves itself for a life I will never enjoy. I have few/ no friends locally, and Butch has always been quick to remind me that my friends in Dublin, or my friends win L.A. ARE my friends precisely because I never see them; so when I’m around it’s like a treat. My self-esteem is so low, that I can’t convincingly argue he’s wrong.
I’m a-skeered to make new friends, because, by dint of being in this chair, I’m obviously not a good judge of character. I wish I’d never gone back to Ireland a 2nd time; or broke up with Scott. My life has been in the crapper, ever since I made those 2 decisions. The irony is, when I was doing it, I ACTUALLY thought I was doing the right/best thing; for Scott, for Ciaran, for me.
“Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread.” I fucked up, and now I’m paying the cost of that.
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