I'm pretty certain no-one but me reads this anyway.

This increasing lack of control over the direction of my own life, leads me, with increasing resolve, to the decision to take my own life, after Grendel and my father die.  It’s just, increasingly I become aware of my increasing inability to self-direct my own  life.  That’s all gone,  now.   

And 

I

just

can’t

take

it

anymore.